Tweak your path…

When things don’t seem to follow the path you’ve been traveling, perhaps it’s because it’s not the right path. So often people view setbacks as failures. Setbacks are simply meant to help you find better ways. All roads don’t travel merely in straight lines. There are right turns, left turns, and often we even require a good ole fashioned u-turn. Obstacles serve a purpose, and are meant to be learned from, they aren’t meant to stop you. Tweak your path, be flexible, and never feel just cause you’ve taken the road this far, that you have to continue on it…Your intuition is your internal compass. Let it guide you as such. Sometimes you gotta worry less about strictly following the GPS directions, and just be in the flow with you and with life. You’ll always find your way, to exactly where it is that you are meant to be…

Be a Warrior not a worrier!

Core Bone Marrow Biopsy #3 – nothing but positive inside and out 🙂

My message for the day! Be a Warrior not a worrier! And yes I would not be me if I wasn’t goofing around making all the docs and nurses laugh! Had to lighten the mood an cheer up my nurse who feels so bad for blowing 2 of my veins at the start of our morning. All good. Filled our 20 plus vials of blood an once two separate veins blew we switched over to a new arm and area and the head nurse hooked up the IV !!! They’ve got me loopy the moment and are waiting for that to kick in a bit more and then it’s go time!

Just me biopsy 3

Happy Anniversary to my incredible partner in this Journey!!!

US
(our first date after 21 years apart…)

As most of you know Matt and I were together many many many years ago… We grew up together… We shared a very crazy, unexplainable bond and understanding of one
another from a very young age… and we had a connection that made no sense, yet made all the sense in the world… When Matt left Maui all those years ago he said he would not say goodbye, because there would never be a goodbye for us… He told me that from the first time he saw me, he knew that someday he’d grow up and marry me. lol. Who the heck could imagine that a couple decades later we would reunite and do just that?

It’s now our 5 year Anniversary. It feels more like our 30th since we’ve loved each other all our lives. We parted many years ago, for reasons that had nothing to do with a fight, or lack of love, we parted simply because life took us both on Journeys that were meant to travel. Those Journeys have brought us both amazing blessings, like our children. Life experience. And so so much more. No regrets, no questions, or what ifs… We are thankful for every step and stage our lives have taken us through, and know that each day, each step, we were traveling right where we were meant to be, and headed right where we were meant to be as well…

5 years for some people in just a small drop in the bucket of time shared with someone they love… 5 years for Matt and I, truthfully is like 50 lifetimes. lol. We’ve been through so much in our lives, from custody battles from hell fighting for the lives and rights of our children, to fighting for our own lives… Brain surgery, car accidents, amputation surgeries, deadly cdiff infection, necrosis, sepsis, cancer (more than once), chronic pain on both our ends lol, and the list goes on… More importantly blessings in such abundance that we often ask ourselves how the heck we got so lucky and so fortunate to be so crazy blessed in this life. A lot of people bail when life deals them what may appear to be a shitty hand. Others simply realize that there are a lot more cards in the deck, and life isn’t based on just one hand… We don’t allow the difficulties to dictate our life. We know the circumstances don’t define us either. Some things you have to accept are not within your control. All else, you have to allow yourself to know it’s your choices that define you, that dictate where your life takes you.

Some people underestimate the power of love. We are not those people. Never have been. They say you never really get over your first love…They say if you are lucky, truly lucky you get to know what it means to have a love of a lifetime… How awesome to get a second chance… How awesome to be able to share ones life with their best friend, their partner in all aspects of life, their husband, their lover, their man! To say I am blessed doesn’t do justice to what I am in this life… Matt and I know that this isn’t the only life we’ve shared, it’s just the one we are sharing at this time. There have been many before it, and should be so blessed there will be many more to come…

In a world where I truly never felt like I fit anywhere or with anyone, I found my fit… a fit I briefly got to experience so very long ago, and I fit I cherish and honor and strive to be deserving of for always. In my youth no one (aside from my parents) saw me as beautiful… Matt did… He always has… because he sees who I am on the inside… We are all flawed, we’re also all very unique… One of the greatest gifts that I have ever known in my life is to have someone who truly and so deeply sees me, for me… someone who knows my thoughts, my feelings, my highs, my lows, my pain, my happiness and most of all my love. He sees the good in me and accepts the stubborn pain in the ass in me too. lol.

5 years ago I wrote a poem on Matts page in response to post he made speaking about endings. I wrote about beginnings. In that exact moment a new chapter began in the book of our crazy awesome love story. 3 days later we reunited in person and it was as if a day hadn’t passed. Full of respect for the path that we’d both traveled, no judgements, no criticisms, just a togetherness like no other we’d ever known with anyone else… We knew that nothing short of forever would be acceptable. We knew that never again did either of us want to experience seeing the other fly off and out of their life… He did it to me the first time we parted, and I did to him now leaving to head back to Maui. But this time it wouldn’t be for twenty years. It wouldn’t be for even a week, lol. And the rest, well it’s history as they say. Here we are 5 years later, still hand in hand, heart in heart, and grow more in love with one another and life with every day we’re gifted. No matter how in love you are, it’s incredible when you realize the capacity you have to love even further beyond…

So often in life people settle for something, in fear of having nothing, in doing so they give up the chance at ever having everything… My message today to each and everyone out there is simple… Don’t ever settle… Don’t ever give up… Don’t ever stop believing in all that is possible… I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I sure do believe in true love… and unconditional love…

Here’s to 5 amazing years… 50 more wouldn’t even begin to be enough with this incredible, amazing, gorgeous, sexy, talented, intelligent, hilarious, stubborn, wise ass of a man. I love you Matt Kan Hai. I loved you then… I love you now… I will love you for always!!!

New Doctor… 3rd Bone Marrow Biopsy Ordered… Nothing but positive results to come…

hey cancer

Matt and I have been getting so many emails and texts from everyone asking for updates on what’s going on with me and I’m sorry there haven’t been posts, there just honestly hasn’t been anything huge to really share. I feel very strongly about keeping everything positive that is shared and left off with the last post on a very positive update as well as wonderful pics of us skydiving, and the video where you can hear me loud and clear saying FUCK YOU CANCER, so you can see that I’m LIVING with cancer, not dying from it. HUGE difference in our books…

Anyhow, our focus has been on the healthiest routes of treatment possible and so far, based on the 2nd Core Bone Marrow Biopsy, and my monthly blood tests, it’s showing positive results and slight improvements, which to me, are HUGE…Since the last biopsy I’ve gotten opinions from Doctors at City of Hope in LA, Cedar Sinai, Mayo Clinic and the Cancer Transplant Center along with the continued care of MDAnderson and ICC and so on… I now have an amazing Doctor who did her residency, internship and fellowship at City of Hope in LA and then came here to work with the Transplant Center at Mayo. She is a top notch Hematologist and Oncologist and Transplant Specialist and has really been in sync with my personality and spirit as much as my physical and medical care. She is very much in support of the routes I’m taking, the choices I’m making, and is def Team Peggy!!!

I have a team of 6 specialists in this field in one place now and they aren’t screwing around. They compiled my records from all my Doctors and Hospitals for the last 25 years… They see a lot of things that haven’t been explored in regards to the blood, plasma and bone marrow issues as well as the symptoms that have been reported by me for so long, long before ever getting referred to Oncology and Hematology… They also see some things that just aren’t making sense in my case and needed to be looked deeper into. It begins with requesting my 1st and 2nd Bone Marrow Biopsies, the samples and blood smears from within the marrow and such. They said although no one wants to admit it people make mistakes and samples get mixed up from time to time. My first 2 biopsies have such dramatically different findings and it’s so important to know if they are in fact mine, and are accurate. So they are running DNA to be sure they actually came from me, lol. And they are having pathologists re run all the tests that were run on those samples, and ones that should have been run, that never were. And I am scheduled next Wednesday to do yet a 3rd Core BM Biopsy (my 3rd in 6 months time) and have a ton more nuclear tests (FISH) – which are over 99% accurate in blood and bone marrow cancers, along with all the other immunophenotyping, cytogenetics, and about 3 pages worth of blood labs…. Fun stuff…

The last Biopsy sadly that the MDAnderson Doc decided his main focus was on the MDS only since that is the one that justifies doing the Bone Marrow and Stem Cell Transplants… so he actually didn’t run any of the FISH tests on the Multiple Myeloma or the Leukemia. We were baffled and of course asked why it was done that way, leaving us with the initial findings, that of which show over 40% of my cells as abnormal, and they show 5 separate chromosome abnormalities… So how would we not want to know if that had decreased, increased, improved or worsened etc? The Doctor felt that there wasn’t anything we could really do about those areas right now, and knowing the results would only add worry to the mix. He felt this would give me peace of mind in not knowing. UM wrong woman. Peace of mind for me doesn’t come in not knowing something, especially when we already had such extreme findings. HELLOOOOO! He was honest and said his biggest concern was my MDS and it being in the very high risk stage which made time of more the essence and why he had recommended the Bone Marrow/Stem Cell Transplant right away…

Anyway, it is what it is. At that time, I shared a positive update on improvements based on the information we had, and didn’t feel it necessary to explain all the shit they just didn’t test, lol. So with my new Team, they feel that all types of Leukemia, Lymphoma, Hodgkins, Myeloma and MDS should be properly tested to know exactly where I am at and make a little more sense of some things…

While the Doctors are doing what’s needed on their end, so are we in the realms of Western and Eastern Medicine and alternative treatments that have shown amazing results in so many others and are without a doubt helping me. We aren’t closed off to anything, and are open minded about all options. My last appt was on Tuesday and so much has happened in just this 2 days time. I’ve been scheduled already for my next BM Biopsy, tests, labs and blah blah… And the previous ones have been requested for that reviewing. I spent a full 3.5 hours with my Doctor and an hour with my Transplant Coordinator. They today contacted the Bone Marrow Registry as well, and are running a very thorough search for any possible matches, and then contact will be made, if there are any, to be sure they are still alive, still reachable, and still viable and willing to be a donor. This does not mean I’m having the transplant right away or in the near or later future. I have not made a solid choice since the second biopsy showed such huge improvements in a decrease of cancer cells and abnormalities and since my labs had improved slightly for the first time in over 2 years of consistently running in the low ranges and all the other stuff that came about when the more in depth testing began this year and receiving my cancer diagnosis in April. While things kept decreasing in labs, and abnormalities were increasing in April, May, June and July, to see improvements in August and September, we were so crazy thrilled. And we know the treatments I’m doing are helping and feel these tests are proving just that. And in knowing that they didn’t even look to see if I improved or worsened in regards to the myeloma and leukemia diagnosis, well we sure as hell aren’t gonna jump into a very dangerous, very risky, no guarantee of survival or ridding these cancers as well procedure without being 100% sure that it’s the best thing we can do, and that the risks don’t outweigh the rewards. So yes, the Bone Marrow and Stem Cell Transplant is still very much on the table, but we are not quite there yet without obtaining more info and having all the facts humanly and spiritually possible…

So basically what we and the Transplant Center is doing is getting all my ducks in a row, so that if it does come to be “GO TIME” we are completely ready and able to do it immediately. And since we already know from testing parents, siblings and children, as well as my amazing spouse that I don’t have a relative match, the registry is my only option. The previous possible 4 matches that I updated you all about back in July were only from a preliminary database search, and sadly none of the 4 panned out for reasons like death, heart attack, change of address and unable to reach etc… That search was 3 months ago, and people sign up every day all over the world, so we have no doubt new matches will become available…

We are still encouraging everyone out there to please donate blood, plasma, bone marrow, stem cells etc… Things that can save lives every single day all over this big beautiful world of ours. Things that your body replenishes naturally. I truly believe helping encourage others to donate things of this nature is one of the main reasons that I’m personally going through my own experience in all of this… If we can help even one person on this earth continue to live their life and not have it be lost to cancer, or to anything else that can be helped, then all of this somehow makes a little sense…
So there’s my novel update for everyone who has been asking lol.

On behalf of myself and my Ohana I would like to once again thank you ALL so very much for your continued prayers, positive thoughts, huge hearts, faith and the love and kindness you have always showed us. My heart is so full of love and appreciation each and every day. Whether difficult times or blessed and joyous times in our lives we have the most incredible support system in our circle of family and friends. We know so many of you worry, and that it comes from a place of care. I cannot make anyone stop worrying, but I can tell you that we are truly doing everything we can do, to far more than win this latest battle. You all know me very well, and you know one thing that isn’t even in my DNA, heart, spirit, soul, mind or vocabulary is fear… same goes for giving up. I’m positive, I’m full of faith, and I feel blessed for every day that I awake and draw breath. I may live each day with pain and feeling kinda like shit, lol, but I’m pushing through it, and having more and more better feeling days regardless and still have faith that one day not only will cancer be just yet another story in the rearview mirror of my crazy, very non boring life, but so will this ridiculous stump pain. Miracles happen every day, to ordinary and extra-ordinary people. I’ve had more than my fair share of them, but am totally open should our greater source or anyone else wanna bless with another or many for that matter. hehe. Thank you all again for all that you have brought and continue to bring to our lives.

Honesty is always the best policy…

Honesty is always the best policy. People may not always like what it is you’re saying. They may not agree with you, your choices, or your reasoning, but at the end of the day they will respect the fact that you were honest with them and didn’t lie just to say what you think they wanted to hear or to conceal your own $hit! We are all human. We all make mistakes. Taking ownership is what matters and truly defines our character. Be straight up. Don’t build a life, relationships, reputations or anything on lies or bs! Just tell it like it is, in a respectful manner and with dignity and odds are you’ll be appreciated for doing so and showing not only your self worth but showing the person you’re being honest and straight up with that you honor, value and recognize thier worth as well! Sweet dreams everyone ! May you awake in the morning with the realizarion that you’ve been given the greatest gift ever… The blessing of a new day. Something hundreds of thousands of people won’t be gifted! Amen!

Our true beauty …

The beauty of any being isn’t about what is seen from the eyes… Our true beauty lies within. It comes from our heart, our spirit, our mind and our very soul. It’s not about the shape of our bodies, the color of our skin, our height, our weight… Those are just a few of the things that enhance our greatest beauty. When you look in the mirror see the gift that you are to this world and to everyone who is blessed to be a part of your life. When you look at others look with that same spirit and heart that you look upon yourself and recognize the amazing beauty and gift that every being is. A person can be absolutely drop dead gorgeous when looked at for the outside picture seen, but when time is taken to look within they might not be so stunning, just as someone can not look at what might one would call attractive on the outside but when you look a little deeper they can be the most stunning of creatures you’ve ever known! Never judge a book by its cover or you might just miss the greatest story ever written !!! Sweet dreams my beautiful friends and family!