8 Years Ago – A night that forever changed many lives…

Accdient

8 years ago today was the night of the car accident I was in. An accident that ended the life of a young man and has forever since impacted not only my own life, but the life of those who love me as well. Who would have imagined that for 8 years I’d continue to be having surgeries, recovering, getting back on my feet and walking after being told that would NEVER be possible… later loosing my footie…but heck yah learned to walk again… a year after footie was amputated, and a mere 3 months after I was finally walking again from that round, we find out my leg needs to be amputated. Something I was told the night of the accident had to be done, but we all know how that story went as well… all these years later there we were- loosing the leg…and then almost another year later the craziness with the tumors and there’s been so much else medically with this accident, that I could fill a book. But the leg situation has def been the most up front, in your face, ongoing craziness that can be seen from the outside… I have days that I’m on two feet for a little while, and it’s incredible. And I have days where I’m not at all. I will never wake up in the middle the night and be able to just walk into the bathroom to pee or get a drink of a water. Simple little things are missed. I’d be full of shit if I didn’t say I miss having my leg. I wish I could say I don’t miss having pain, but I have faith that one morning I will wake up and the pain will be gone or be so faint in comparison to all it’s been that I won’t even notice it. Although it may be difficult, I can honestly say I am HAPPY and feel beyond BLESSED every single morning that I do wake up at all. 

So what if I have to hop on my knee scooter and cruise around a bit and can’t always be on two feet. Beats the hell out of the wheel chairing it everywhere like before. Beats the hell out of months in bed that I’ve spent year after year after year having more surgeries and down time then I can count anymore. Beats the hell out of being no longer in this world. And that it was it comes down to people. Being grateful for being here at all. So many people take the simple act of breathing for granted. Life is the greatest gift that exists. Life gives us the opportunity to do far more than just be here. It gives up the opportunity to love and be loved. To give without concern for receiving. To do, simply because we can. To be compassionate and kind and live from a place within us that knows no boundaries and no limits… The reality is simple- Life is crazy. Twists and turns come our way, and we can either try and fight against then, roll with them, grow with them, or make whatever choice best fits the situations…

I always reflect on things. I don’t live in the past. But I do look at how the things shape our lives. My heart is full of so much love, and it also houses soreness for a life lost that I will always be connected to. The accident was not my fault, and it was of someone else’s choosing… It doesn’t make it any easier to know someone is no longer in this world because of that night… It’s hard to explain if you’ve never been through something life this. But while my heart is sore, I am beyond grateful for being blessed to survive that night. And to continue to find a way to thrive through all that has come, and in life in general. I was spared that night, and although I never lived my life wasting a moment, I can tell you I certainly have continued to never waste even a second. And others around me have grown through my experiences and learned to fully appreciate their own lives, and others lives all the more. This is a positive as are many that came from such a terrible night. Positives can always be found, even when negatives are there.

Life can change in the blink of an eye… Take nothing and take no one for granted – EVER!!! Enjoy the moments everyone. Those we love are the greatest blessings we could ever have, as is this life. Often the things in this life that you find matter the most, aren’t things at all. They are people. And if there not, then you might be cherishing, valuing and hanging on to the wrong things… Happy Thanksgiving weekend everyone… Think about all you are thankful for and let it show in all you are and all you do!!!!

A very special thank you going out to the most incredible Ohana a human being could ever have for always believing in me and what I was capable of and reminding me of it whenever a kick in the ass was needed too. lol. I am so thankful, so grateful and so blessed because of the amazing people in my life who literally loved me back to life in ways many can’t imagine. THANK YOU!!!

2 years ago today while difficult and emotional, was a step forward in LIVING !!!

Amp surgery

Amp surgery 2
2 years ago I was in California on this day having my leg amputated. It was a very emotional time, but not a set back. It was a step forward to live, to stay alive, to remain in this world for as long as I am meant to be. I’ve always imagined it must have been much harder for Matt, for Brandon, my parents to go through it, then for me too. Here I am two years later, doing wonderful and still in this amazing world… We did what we had to do, and I will always do whatever I can to keep fighting the fight and living the life…

November is always a little emotional, cannot lie… The end of the month marks 8 years since the accident itself took place. It’s not the kinda accident that just happens and you move on… Not the kinda accident where you heal and it’s all over with or aren’t reminded of it. Obviously not having my leg anymore will always be a reminder of what happened. But it’s also a HUGE reminder that I am ALIVE… It has been years of surgeries, recoveries and life changing events… A life ended that night, and my life without a doubt was forever impacted in a number of ways… I endured several surgeries right out the gate when it all first happened. Tons of healing. Miracles in healing, and then nightmares in other things not healing… Those non healing things later led to having my foot amputated… which led to contracting c diff, and for the first time in my life, ever truly knowing and also accepting that I was dying… Never felt like that with anything else I’d ever been through. But then I never had all my organs shutting down on me either. lol. Its been a crazy road for sure… Went through all that, to then find out we had to loose my leg still… after another long year of recovery… then we made the first prosthetic leg, after the prosthetic foot was no longer needed, since foot went bye bye lol. Only to find out that more was wrong in the stump and the prosthetic wasn’t usable at all, other than the first weeks of making it. Crazzzzzzy….

Finally we got the tumors out of there, after almost another long year of recovery from the leg amputation and issues that arose… Tumors coming out further impacted the size and shape of what was left of my stump, leaving the prosthetic leg we’d already made, not viable at all… So once we had the all clear we started a new one… and YAY. Finally I got to start walking again… it’s been a super slow and long process for me. Exactly one year ago we started making the new prosthetic leg. And although it took months to get it right, we did it… A couple weeks ago, I danced- actually danced for the first time in years. I am finally walking on two feet at least a little bit each day. I still have days where I can’t be in it. But then I have other days where I can wear the prosthetic for hours. Because there is still so much nerve pain and some other complications we’re dealing with, it’s not the normal process where you make a leg, and wear it from wake up to bed time… The nerve tumors added a lot of stuff to the mix, and the pain in cutting and burning them to stop the growth and remove them had it’s own impact. Pain stinks. Meds suck. But we’re doing what is needed to keep stepping forward with each day I am blessed to have.

Yesterday we spent an awesome day with Brandon at a place called Out of Africa. An incredible Wildlife Animal Sanctuary where all the animals here are rescues from all over the world. It was an amazing experience. Best part of all was spending the day together. We’ve missed him so much. August we took him off to college… September we went and spent Parents Weekend with him. October we didn’t see him at all. But November we make up for it, seeing him on the very first day it begins and ending the month with him for Thanksgiving Break too… and then there will be Christmas. So looking forward to time with family… Such a blessing…

I have never been someone to not appreciate lifes blessings… Never needed a double take on life, well not in my adulthood at least. I’ve made a lot of dumb mistakes, a lot of bad choices… I’ve fallen more times that I can keep track of. But I do my best to learn from the mistakes… do my best when I can’t right a wrong, to just not do the wrong again. And I get up every single time I fall. And when I do, I get up stronger and more determined then ever…

Growing up my parents never told me life would be easy. Never said the world would hand me what I wanted or much of anything. I was taught to work hard, to go after what I wanted, and to fight for what and who mattered to me in this life. I have and always will do so and live by those important lessons.

I like we all are, am a work in progress. Ever growing, ever adapting, ever strengthening and ever working towards achieving the goals and dreams I’ve set upon myself. I may not be on the best sellers list. May not be rich. May not be on top Shrinks list. LOL… What am I, is the best me for me. And that is what truly matters in this life. Being the best us that we all can be… and always striving to be better, do better, be more, do more, live more, give more…. I love who I am… I can’t say that is something I’ve always done in this life, so it’s a blessing to say it, mean it, feel it, know it, and embrace it. I love me. I do not feel like less of a person just because parts of me aren’t here. I have my moments and get frustrated like anyone would, when I want to do certain things, that I have to adjust to do now, or honestly not do them. But I truly embrace who I am, and the blessings I’ve been gifted in this life. I wake up thankful every day for breathing, for feeling the sun on my face, for the absolute full heart I have with love for so many incredible people in my life. I am married to the love of my life. I was blessed with a miracle child 18 years ago entering this crazy world, who has reminded me every single day of my life since, what it’s all about, and why it’s a fight worth fighting no matter what life brings… I have parents who accept me for me, love me for me, support me for me, and truly have faith in me. I have a family and friends support system that most people dream of having.

Hards will always exist. We all go through difficulties… challenges…loss…. hardships… Relationships end… People pass away… Jobs are lost… Bills don’t get paid…. Pain- whether it be physical, mental, emotional, etc exists for us all in some way or another, at some point in our life… Remember one very important thing though… relationships end so that often new, better, more amazing ones can begin… As lives end, new lives begin… Twice as many births happen every single day as do deaths… Jobs end, so that careers can begin… Bills don’t get paid, because sometimes that’s just part of life, and you learn to prioritize what you really need verses what you want… sometimes we have to hit the ground in order to look up and see how beautiful the sky above us is, and how nothing, nothing at all is to far away to reach towards… One breath… One step… one day at a time… That’s what this life is all about. Live it. Love it. And when things are hard, find comfort in knowing, truly believing, that it will get better… When you try and wrap your brain around good people leave this life way to early, remind yourself that you ever had them in this life to begin with… to know… to love… to forever honor and cherish…